


Messing Up

by theinsandoutsofcastiel



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Other, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-10
Updated: 2016-01-10
Packaged: 2018-05-12 22:20:33
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 797
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5682919
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/theinsandoutsofcastiel/pseuds/theinsandoutsofcastiel
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Hi! I was wondering if you could do a story where the reader is really clumsy and she feels she is always “messing up hunts”, when she actually isn’t, and when she feels she does she always takes it out on herself. Then one day when she was giving something to Sam she dropped it and then she starts to think things about how useless she is, and Cas picks up on it… then later he shows up to her room and he finds her cutting herself. Cas then starts crying but also comforts her. You can end it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Messing Up

Warnings: Self loathing, self harm (please do not read if this is a trigger for you)

Fic:

You messed up hunts, you always had and you always would. Whether it was letting something slip when speaking to a monster or tripping and hurting either yourself, Sam, or Dean, you always seemed to be the cause of some misfortune or another. They always told you that you were a valuable member of the team and that no matter how clumsy you were, you weren’t the reason that hunts went sideways. No matter how many times they said it, you couldn’t believe it. Honestly, you weren’t sure why the brothers kept you around.

Just today for instance, you had been handing Sam a bottle containing an important potion for the hunt, but the container had slipped between your fingers and shattered on the floor. It made you feel useless, watching the tiny shards of glass siktter across the floor and the liquid contents dripping between the floorboards.

Cas, Sam, and Dean told you it didn’t matter, that they would just make the potion again and that everything would be fine. You, on the other hand, knew they were only being nice. Every mistake you made, every clumsy little action, was a setback that could cost a life, or two, or three. If it weren’t for you, everything would run smoothly.

Ever since the incident earlier today, you sat alone in your room, the gears in your head grinding round and round. The idea of how useless you were wouldn’t leave your head and the nasty thought weighed heavier and heavier on your shoulders. It was enough to drive the soundest mind mad. The only relief you could find was in the edge of a blade. You watch the blood drip down your forearm from the cut you had made. Something about the warm, sticky, red liquid dripping down your skin was calming.

“Y/N,” Cas says from behind you, making you jump, “The potion has been remade and the other preparations for the hunt have been finished if you would like to rejoin us.”

“I - I don’t think that’s a good idea,” you answer, fumbling with your shirt sleeve, trying to pull it down to cover the self inflicted wound.

“Why not?” Cas questions, “You’re a part of our team.”

“I’d just mess things up again,” you answer quietly. You try your best to cover your arm and tuck the bloody blade beneath the sheets as Cas moves to stand in front of you. 

“Y/N, you know that isn’t true. I know you think that you’re clumsy and that you mess up hunts, but you’re wrong. We need you Y/N,” Cas says as he kneels down in front of you. His eyes go wide as he spots the blood seeping through your clothing. “Are you hurt?” Cas questions worriedly.

“No, I’m fine,” you say, trying to cover the bloodied clothing with your hand.

“Did you do this to yourself?” Cas asks, pain in his voice. He takes your hand in his and gently pulls your sleeve up your arm, the blood causing the material to stick to your skin. “Why?” he asks his voice cracking and tears welling in his eyes.

“I’m useless,” you tell him simply.

“No,” Cas whispers, “Never that.” He runs his thumb over the cut left behind on your arm and his grace tickles your skin as your skin knits itself back together. “Why would you do this to yourself?” Cas questions, tears running down his cheeks as he moves to the bed and sits by your side.

“I’m sorry,” you whisper, curling in on yourself. Cas wraps his arms around you and pulls you to him.

“You don’t have to apologize,” Cas says, “This is my fault.”

“No, it’s not Cas,” you tell him, appalled that he could even think such a thing, “I’m the one who messes everything up.”

“I knew you were upset about what happened earlier, but I didn’t know about this,” Cas says, pulling you closer as if he wanted to protect you from yourself, “I should have known.” You could feel his tears falling onto your shoulder and soaking into your shirt. “You don’t have to do this to yourself,” Cas says, “We love you, we all do; and no matter what you think about yourself, that will never change. None of us want to see you hurt.” His words didn’t fix everything, but you knew that he cared, that Sam and Dean cared, and that they would always be there for you.

“Thank you Cas,” you whisper, wrapping your arms around him and burying your face into the lapel of his trench coat, giving in to the comfort of having his arms wrapped tightly around you.


End file.
